Rant: Reckless First Encounters

I’m still troubled by a post on my good friend morningstar’s blog from a few months ago.

She had had a discussion with an friend that had a dominant rather infatuated with him, and he had asked her friend to drop everything in his life to come join him in Florida (Risk Takers, Jan. 18th, 2008, http://wtsubbie.blogspot.com/). To morningstar’s great shock, her friend indicated that if he had been younger, he would have done it.

While I’m not familiar with the details of that relationship, or the individuals involved, it brought back memories and thoughts of one of the areas of the scene I feel strongest about, and that makes me the most uncomfortable. I’ll call it reckless first meetings, and it is truly the BDSM scene at its worst.
Let me start with a disclaimer: despite some generalizations, this in no way applies to everyone. Nothing in life does. So even when I forget the appropriate nuances, I may be talking about a few, some, or many, but never about all. Am I making myself clear?

In many conversations with a number of female submissives, the fantasy of the first encounter or meeting with a top is something that makes their head spin, their knees weak, and their privates wet. Not that this is a bad thing, or something any bottom anticipating an encounter with a new top is unfamiliar with.

However, this particular fantasy has a few twists. The scene is often held in a secluded or private place, like a McMotel. The stranger, almost always male, is unknown by anyone in the local BDSM scene. He has years of experience from unspecified sources. He says that no one must know what is going on. Instead of raising red flags, each condition seems to enrapture the female submissive even further. The ultimate fantasy of meeting a strong dominant stranger that will bend them to his will in a mysterious place, and provide the power exchange experience of a lifetime is a powerful syren song in the mind of these submissives.

But reality is sometimes much less romance novel-like. Often, the dominant stranger is, at best, unskilled. At worst, he never had any intention of engaging in BDSM play. These predators know enough about the scene to be able to charm their way into such a situation, preying on vulnerable submissives that are searching for answers, for companionship, for release. The results of this scene may range assault to rape, or worst.

* * * * *

I had a close friend in the scene at one point, with whom I have lost contact years ago. We'll call her B. She had been a very experienced submissive hidding behind the facade of a strong, confident, well-accomplished woman. It was difficult to miss B, even in a crowd, and if you caught her eye, you were going to have a hard time not having a discussion with her.

B and I played occasionally together over a period of about 5 or 6 months, in public and in private. She was a woman who lived her submissiveness deeply, and she lived life at its fullest. This was a smart woman, a well-travelled woman, a woman who had seen much happen in her years, now a bit past middle-age.

But one day, I went to see her, somewhat of a surprise visit, strictly social, and I found her with a bruise near one eye, and other injuries inconsistent with what could ever happen in typical corporal punishment session.

She confessed that she had not shared with me her plan, since I would not have approved, and I probably would have gotten angry at her. But she had had an opportunity to live out her ultimate fantasy (once more...), the description above based on the specifics of what she told me (but par for the course for so many), and she just needed to live it so badly... so badly.

It turns out the stranger had no leather implements, no latex clothing, no kinky toys beyond some handcuffs, some ropes, and some unidentified cloth items to use as a gag. Her session? Forced oral sex. And not a consensual one at that. I guess the intimidation beating served as the warm-up.

She had no safecall, no one waiting for her, no one looking for her, no idea who the stranger was, or what he looked like. She could not bring herself to make a police report, even if it was probably useless to think that the predator might have forgotten to use a fake name in a motel that took cash payments only.

At that time, she needed support, not a tirade for her neglicence and lack of precaution. I was thinking of a few other words at the time, but she needed those even less. So I let it pass, and tried to be as supportive as possible. Strong woman as she was, she was back in action in a few months. Strong-headed woman that she was, I'm not convinced she would not try that again, perhaps (or not) with a few extra precautions. But would they be enough?

* * * * *

This is not an isolated case. This is not an extreme case either. Even with all the reasonable precautions in place, things can go bad. But as with much of life, it is our responsibility to do what we can to minimize those risks. Prior to such encoubters, face-to-face meetings are important, within the context of the scene (munches, public play) or not. I do recommend within the scene... fakes, incompetents, or individuals with problem-pasts are soon identified. Safecalls are essential. I've been the safecall for about a dozen first BDSM dates, and two of those turned out badly. Play hard, but play safe.

* * * * *

Already understanding something about this fantasy, I did have opportunities many years ago to indulge some submissives that I had had some great email exchanges with. I know, I know... that was many years ago, at a time the cynicism we have today wasn't quite at the same level, and there was hope that with a little scratching below the surface, we'd find the good folks.

But the ethics of it were clear to me. Regardless of what I did, I was perpetuating a dangerous tradition. Even if the submissives in question had their "first encounter" fantasy with me, and we had a great play session, it would encourage them to look for more of those. I couldn't accept that. I had to discourage the habit, and apart from informal discussions that I was pulled into, the best way I could do that was to not engage in them.

At the end of the day, like many other things we do, or don't do, it's difficult to say whether we've made a difference. People will do what their hearts want them to do. But I do hope that my online rants, discussions with individual submissives, and my lack of participating in this particular facet of the BDSM scene has made an impact on someone, and has kept them from harms way. My efforts will be worth it if I know that just one person was spared the danger of this not-so-uncommon fantasy. Or at least prepared adequately for it.