Perceptions and Expectations

So what does a dominant or submissive look like? How do they behave? What is their personality like? How do all of these match up with the desires in their mind and the longing in their heart?

And is there a difference inside the scene and in real life (RL)?

I enjoy taking people aback a bit. Most of the time, I don't set out to do so. It keeps them wondering. Especially those who know me. But the reaction is not always positive, and sometimes, it can be quite the opposite.

Overwhelmingly, people within the BDSM scene think of me as dominant from the very first meeting (and for the most part, they are right). Either that, or they don't really think about it because they have a hard time reading me. At a distance I'm cold, fairly expressionless, with a low key sense of humour. I'll laugh, but it better be good and witty.

I'm sure size has to much to do with it. Inevitably, there is a certain association of power with size.

Almost as much as size, it's difficult for me to hide my confidence and attitude. I have a lifetime of RL experiences, successes, and challenges that have made me the way I am. And if I do say so myself (please forgive the bragging), I am well-educated, well-read, and a cultured individual, and that tends to be apparent as soon as a I open my mouth.

Unless someone's first encounter with me is one of those rare occasions when I play a submissive role, I don't believe I have ever been perceived as anything else than dominant.

So why is it so much of a shock to those around me when I occasionally do take a submissive role? If not a shock, something they have a hard time accepting? Or in some cases, something they refuse to accept?

I remember a number of discussions or events where this has come up, and I have found dealing with most of the reactions rather challenging.

"B" was a wonderful alpha-sub that I had many sessions with. Over the course of several months, our public and private play went beyond the scene and we developed a wonderful platonic friendship. During the course of conversations about travelling, philosophy, arts, the BDSM scene, and more, she had asked me something along the lines of what I enjoy most about the scene, and what I would like to do more often if I had the chance. I had answered very truthfully that I would enjoy to play a submissive role more often. At that time, I hadn't done so in many years. The sense of betrayal coming back across the table was palpable. I had clearly bumped the vase over the shelf, and the image she had of me had definitely been shattered for a few moments. I can't say whether that statement remained in her mind in a suspended state of disbelief, or whether she decided to ignore my answer altogether, but it was clear in her gaze at the time that something did not compute.

"BS" was a sophisticated, brilliantly smart, and witty sub that I became friends with. It was clear from the start that our playing styles were not suited for each other, but we developed a terrific friendship that lasted for over a year, including going out to fetish events together, even if it was to play with other people. A stunning looking young woman, I was for a while the best friend of every male top that wanted to play with her once they realized that "BS" and I showed up together but did not play together. I always chuckled when I was approached by bold male tops politely inquiring about our status and/or asking permission to play with her.

But "BS" and I had two minor fights or arguments. Both of them when we discussed the concept of switching, and that I enjoyed switching. To be fair, I think she had more of an issue with the very idea of switching than of me doing it, especially since she had never seen me switch or play a submissive role. But again, there was something in what I was saying that seemed quite wrong for her.

In one of the most memorable evenings ever, my Dearly Beloved (DB) and I fulfilled a huge fantasy of ours when she spent over an hour on make-up transforming me into a tiger, and we walked into the dungeon with me on my knees and her as the dominatrix trainer. We are talking orange-and-black face and full-body make-up job, with black latex briefs, black leather collar, and leather handcuffs and ankle cuffs. The weekly regulars to that dungeon, who knew us well, were stunned. For a moment, floggers stopped stinging, paddles stopped warming, and everyone held their breath once they recognized us. Beyond the mind-blowing play we had that evening, the experience was noteworthy for some of the younger submissives that all of sudden found themselves approaching me and chatting with me without the heavy etiquette of dealing with a top. Some of them had fun, while nobody was looking, pulling on my tiger tail to slow me down and get me in trouble, as my lovely dominant mistress for the evening, my DB, was leading me on a leash on all fours toward the racks area.

Still, the reaction in the eyes of those who knew us was one of surprise, disbelief, something wrong or odd, and in some cases, diminishment. In view of the fact that my DB had been seen topping women, men, and sometimes double-topping women with me, clearly, those thoughts and feelings were not directed at her. For all of them, it was the first time they saw me in such a role.

While our fantasy evening was a huge hit, over the years, even my DB has had issues with the part of me that longs for a submissive experience. For her, I've always been a source of strength, of stability, of wisdom, and of sanity. She has seen what role I have played in the community, and in RL. She thinks I'm much bigger than life. I don't think she understands that part of me, despite the fact that it is part of her (she also switches), and somehow, after all these years and many tentative discussions, I'm not sure she will ever accept it. I think there is too much RL baggage there.

* * * * *

I'm very secure intellectually in my feelings about my alternative sexuality. It is an extraordinary world of discovery and sensations I feel privileged to have had a chance to explore. I feel privileged to have gone further in the realm of sexuality than most people are even aware exist. Topping is a very erotic experience for me, and, as I've mentioned before, playing a submissive role is an incredibly intense, powerful, and deep experience for me. Yet it is ironic how challenging it has been to find acceptance for my submissive side in people of the scene, and among those that know me. As secure as I am about myself, about my sexuality, alternative and not, those reactions have left me a little embarrassed, a little ashamed, a little worried. Worried that it will always be difficult to find outlet for those feelings. Ashamed that I'm doing something wrong and of having those feelings. Embarrassed that I'm doing something that doesn't find acceptance in the eyes of those who should know better.

Of course, it takes two to tango, and I don't have to let myself be bothered by the aforementioned reactions. But in the course of letting myself be vulnerable to a certain extent, something I do so rarely in RL, I guess I find it difficult to filter out those reactions, and they have stayed with me.

So what DOES a dominant or submissive look like? How DO they behave? What kind of personality SHOULD they have? Expectations can give those who have them a misguided understanding of reality. Perceptions can be deceiving. And both can hurt a little bit... and not in a good way.