Reflections on committed BDSM relationships

It was with sadness in my heart that I read this morning the latest blog entries for two good friends from the scene that live across the continent, and who have been in a relationship together for the past several years. I can't presume that I know everything (or even much) that there is to know about what is going on, as I've been away from them for almost 4 years now, but I have followed some of their blog entries over that time. The stress that they are going through right now brought me into a mood for a few reflections.

I would say that despite how things may feel like right now, they are undergoing something normal and positive, in a weird kind of way. I realize that this may not be very reassuring on the surface, but the fact that differences come up, differences in frequency, differences in intensity, differences in mood/energy, differences in interests, differences in availability (physical as well as emotional), and that's a good thing. It means that they are still growing, growing as individuals and growing as a couple. Change and growth are the normally state of the universe. Anything that stops changing and growing dies.

The danger with growth for people that are married/collared/or otherwise committed to each other is that sometimes the changes can happen faster than we become aware of them, faster than we can understand them, and inevitably, communications will lag behind. Sometimes people feel/think that when there is commitment of the heart/mind/emotions, the growth curve for both individuals locks-in and will be parallel forever. Life, and people, are so much more complicated...

It does happen that growth and change happens so fast that by the time people realize it, come to terms with it, and talk about it, the differences are irreconciliable. But we all have to focus of what common threads have brought us together, step back emotionally, and talk about where we stand at the moment. From that point, it is possible to see what can be worked out in terms of what I would call "supply-and-demand", especially as it applies to a D/s relationship where dominance and submission are so different in so many ways, and at the same time, such an important part of who we are.

I was having a great discussion recently with Mistress Saskia, for whom I have the upmost respect. Very intelligent, insightful, and amazingly sharp/witty, we got into a discussion on the performance aspect of being a great top. I'll spare you the details of why this came about, but she drew a splendid analogy to the pro-domme as rock star. The analogy was just brilliant in terms of the demands and expectations placed on rock stars, and how it would be impossible for them to be doing it all the time, or in fact, being able to give so much of themselves for anything else beyond that. I'm not doing her monologue justice, but that's the core of it. And going back to my own experience topping, while not anywhere close to what she does, I could certainly see where she was coming from.

But this discussion got me to think much more deeply about the contrasting needs and expectations of dominants and submissives. I think that the elements of frequency, intensity, interests, pacing, and physical/emotional availability not only vary from one person to another, but I would say that there are major differences almost structurally built-in between the role of submissive and that of dominant.

I still get a huge thrill from topping, when the mood, energy, and circumstances are right, but even if this would be my only orientation in BDSM, I could never take it on at a "play" type intensity for hours each day. I don't even think I could have the energy and the creativity to do it each day. Eventually, I would likely want to expand my repertoire or my interests. Would this match up this with those of the submissive I was engaged with? Also, depending on what happens in my real life (RL), I may or may not be physically/emotionally available at certain times.

Taking on a submissive role is something that is much truer to who I am, my desires, and probably, the Freudian bagagge of my life. It's also a much deeper experience for me. Outside of my professional life, I could really see this consuming my every hour of being awake. And since this is not possible for me in my present circumstances, I can say that as a submissive, it's very lonely... just so very lonely. I have this burning desire, this powerful yearning inside of me all the time, and these are answered so rarely. Then, when do I have opportunities to submit come my way, I live through experiences so intense that they only fuel my hunger for more such experiences.

So I find these huge gaps, these huge differences inside myself between my needs and desires as a sub, and my needs and expectations as a top. Of course, allocations must be made for the fact that I clearly feel an affinity in the BDSM scene for surrending power much more than accepting it (a complete reversal of my RL situation), but despite that, I still find that there's something there that can't be neglected. If someone like me can have such differences between "personas" within himself, how can two different individuals match up in a perfect way for eternity and a day? Of course, they can't. They'll have to work and adapt to the changes and differences.

Maintaining a vanilla relationship healthy is already more of a challenge than most people can handle. Considering what I think are the even greater depths and complexities of BDSM or power exchange based relationships, I think none of us can underestimate the incredible obstacles we all face in keeping those relationships alive and well. And it is critically important for each of us, regardless of the roles we take on, be understanding of those who take on opposite roles on the power exchange spectrum.